Every single mother has “the talk” at some point. You will have to explain why they don’t have a daddy living at home like other kids do. Whether you are single by choice, whether he is in the picture or not, the question will be a tough one to answer in a way that a young child can understand. But when your kids begin to ask about why you and their father got a divorce, you are in for an even bigger can of worms.

The question of why you and their father chose to live apart is not one that can be answered in one easy conversation. It will become an ongoing dialogue that will continue until your child is old enough to understand, or perhaps even until they are parents themselves. The best way to discuss the situation is to never lay blame, and never give specifics.

Begin by answering in very general terms. Perhaps compare your relationship with your former spouse to one of your child’s friends, one they no longer get along with, for whatever reason. Make it clear that what happened between the two of you had nothing at all to do with your child, and make it clear that they are always loved, no matter what problems you might have had with their father. It is important to make the distinction between adult relationships and the one a mother has with her child — and point out that though sometimes adult relationships don’t last, you will always be their for them, because a mother’s love never changes.

Older children might press for reasons, or might tell you that their father told them certain reasons about why you broke up. Don’t give specifics, and if your child’s father does, simply tell your child that you think it is unfortunate that their father chose to talk about that. Remind them that sometimes adults get angry at each other and stay angry for a long time, and that can cause them to say hurtful things. Don’t place blame, but simply tell you child the way things can be when adults get emotional.

Above all, stay honest. Never tell your child a lie, because even decades later, they might remember it and be hurt when they realize what you did. Keep it all above board and take the questions as they come. Your child will thank you for your tact when they are old enough to understand the situation.

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